A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator