I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
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Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.