My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…