Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives