Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl