Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome