Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
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Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately