so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Chelsea Clinton charges $65,000 for a 10 minute speech. How many times has her husband said, “Honey, I can’t afford to hear about your day.”
jokes don’t kill people, people who don’t get jokes kill people.
Changed ex’s name in my cell to Do Not Engage. Unfortunately, his middle name Not doesn’t show up when he texts.
Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.
Yesterday Bill Clinton called Hillary, “the ablest person I’ve ever worked with.” Well, I can see why he’s a hit with the ladies.
7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, “Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft.”