@anylaurie16

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

@anylaurie16

Chelsea Clinton charges $65,000 for a 10 minute speech. How many times has her husband said, “Honey, I can’t afford to hear about your day.”

@anylaurie16

jokes don’t kill people, people who don’t get jokes kill people.

@anylaurie16

Changed ex’s name in my cell to Do Not Engage. Unfortunately, his middle name Not doesn’t show up when he texts.

@anylaurie16

Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.

@anylaurie16

Yesterday Bill Clinton called Hillary, “the ablest person I’ve ever worked with.” Well, I can see why he’s a hit with the ladies.

@anylaurie16

7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, “Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft.”