me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one