@aotakeo

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

@aotakeo

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

@aotakeo

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

@aotakeo

SAM: how much farther sir

FRODO: over a hundred pages buddy

@aotakeo

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

@aotakeo

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

@aotakeo

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

@aotakeo

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

@aotakeo

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

@aotakeo

ME: I got the cash, you got the stuff?

ARMS DEALER [hands over bag]

ME: hey these are legs

ARMS DEALER: he’s onto us boys scram!