friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes


me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit


cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me


Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl


NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad



Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word


Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know


friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food


worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone


toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect