Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer


ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do


DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?


ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it


SAM: how much farther sir

FRODO: over a hundred pages buddy


BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one



SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round


ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?


ME: then go outside


Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this


ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce


ME: … a plate


ME: I got the cash, you got the stuff?

ARMS DEALER [hands over bag]

ME: hey these are legs

ARMS DEALER: he’s onto us boys scram!