Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible