Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question