there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.