(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.