gf: i took a pregnancy test

me: is it mine

gf: no, i bought it


me: i’m terrified of socialism

therapist: thanks for sharing

me: [screams]


me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]


doctor: how are you feeling

me: with nerve endings, you should really know this


[watching the lion king]

me: i’ve never seen this before

wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready

me: i’m hardly going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen


me: i’m terrified of random letters

therapist: you are?

me: [screams]

therapist: oh i see

me: [screaming intensifies]


[my brain going to party]

general anxiety: what if everyone ignores you?

social anxiety: what if they don’t?


her: coffee?

me: yes please

her: how do you take it?

me: orally


me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running