50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
You Might Also Like
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Guantanamo Bae
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish