Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you