@ariscott

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

@ariscott

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

@ariscott

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

@ariscott

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

@ariscott

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

@ariscott

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

@ariscott

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.