My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
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If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.