I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
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Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison