Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.