My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
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Tell me you get it…🤣
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
saw this in a dream
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.