First time your kid gets a bday party invite: Awww!
Second time: Oh, another one?
Third time: MAKE ANY MORE FRIENDS AND YOU’RE GROUNDED.
You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
– Chopped: Moms Edition
Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!
Family: *tries to help*
Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT
If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you’re in, they’re your kids.
4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”
Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt*
Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?
I’m on the snake diet. It’s the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes
I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. No, not you. You. On the left. Other left. No. Jesus Christ, I’ll do it myself.