One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target