every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Worst Native American name ever.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.