What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.