NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
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“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”