Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
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He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
12653.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.