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An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”