When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
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