@audipenny

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

@audipenny

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

@audipenny

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

@audipenny

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

@audipenny

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

@audipenny

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

@audipenny

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

@audipenny

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

@audipenny

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though