the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense