Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
You Might Also Like
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
omg leave her alone
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”