Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
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Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
We’re all getting idioter.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I need to get some bricks…
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.