Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
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Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side