[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.