Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.