@awescar

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

@awescar

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

@awescar

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

@awescar

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

@awescar

If you want to hide a gift for your husband, just put it in the pantry with one thing in front of it.

@awescar

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

@awescar

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

@awescar

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

@awescar

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”