It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
*jingles half the way*
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
If you want to hide a gift for your husband, just put it in the pantry with one thing in front of it.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”