Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?