I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
You Might Also Like
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?