Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
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Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
the three branches of government
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy