I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
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I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
i dont have time for this
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I missed you with all my darts
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather