For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
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Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor