A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.