Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
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“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶