I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
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SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
who wants to go expliring
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.