[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
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There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now