If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.