Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.