Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
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me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Thinking about Jeff
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough