My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
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Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.